Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Almost 6 months on...

             And nope, still no real attraction. Maybe less than before. Ugh. Side note, i did tell her about my being a pedophile. She accepts me. And i feel even worse for not really wanting her. I mean, i feel things for her, but not really much beyond a close friend. I did tell her i don't enjoy kissing, and she doesn't expect that from me, so that's nice. I know i'll never find anyone as accepting as her. Or anyone else who'd even tolerate my neuroses as well as her. I hate that i feel like I'm settling, though. She deserves way better than that. Part of me wants her to break up with me. Another part knows that if she does, i'll never find anyone else to be with. I probably deserve that. She's a demisexual, and I think i'm the first person she's ever had sexual interest in. So i don't think it'll happen. And we're both too neurotic and paranoid about her getting pregnant, so we haven't, and won't have sex in the near future. I hate myself. I wish i was dead.
              Side note, my gout is pretty much gone. Blood donation. Works perfectly.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Yea, I'm a liar

           I still have feelings for that friend. I hate myself. But good news... or healthy-minded-ish, news... whatever... I told her i need to take a break from her. Like extended break. If you're still reading, yes, i know, I suck at accepting things i disagree with. This is a pattern. But it just drives me crazy. Especially your thing, it's wrong, and considering the pedo connection, it just hit too close to home. This one's a bit different though, it's borderline abusive, and i can't convince her to do anything about it. Whatever. I wish i could just go live in a cave somewhere. Ignorant of everything. Ignorance certainly is bliss.
            Anyway, since I've cut off the conversation, I've been feeling pretty good about things. Other than my gout, of course. Eat right and exercise, kids.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Blah blah blah Update, etc...

               That girl I've been pining over? The one who rejected me supposedly purely on the grounds of my lack of christianity? I don't think I'm even physically attracted to her anymore, really. So that's good. I still think she's a decent person, and I want to keep being friends with her, of course, it was never only about her looks. We have fun when we hang out, but that hasn't happened in a long time. She says she misses hanging out with me, but she always says she's busy, or too stressed out, or whatever. She never tells me anything that's on her mind, even though whatever it is is obviously bothering her. I couldn't date anyone that closed off. But meh, that's never been a possibility, anyway. Whatever. Maybe I'm lying to myself again? Who knows? I sure don't. Whatever the case, her situation still bothers me. But it's not on my mind as much as it used to be. I was right, having other people in my life to distract me was the right way to go.
               On another note, my cuddle buddy. I have good news and meh news there. Good news, we're now officially dating. The meh news, I found a new reason to hate myself. She's amazing. She's open, supportive, affectionate, understanding, and an all-around great person to be close to. The reason i hate myself: I'm not really physically attracted to her. And I still don't feel any passion towards her at all. I mean, I love holding her. I love the comfortable silences as we just lay in bed, arms wrapped around each other with her head on my chest. But when we kiss, I just don't feel anything. I like her a lot, but I don't know... I do know I'm a shallow asshole. I wish I was dead. As per usual, I guess. Nothing is ever purely good in my life. My head always screws it up. I did tell all this to an online friend, and she says i may become more attracted to her as time goes by, but i dunno. I hope she's right.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Worse, then mostly better

             The friend I have feelings for started seeing someone a couple months ago. Without going into too many details, he's wrong for her. I tried to tell her, especially the two times she came to me crying after him making her feel used. He pressured her into doing things she didn't want to do until marriage... I don't know details, and I don't want to. Yet she's still with him. She spends every weekend with him. The worry drives me insane. She's an adult and can make her own decisions, so I can't do anything other than be there for her. I know it's not my problem, especially if she won't listen to me, but I can't help but worry. I wish I could just not care.
           But it did give me a push I needed. I made a bunch of posts online looking for a girlfriend. I didn't find one (Well, There is someone with potential, but nothing official yet), but I did find a cuddle buddy. She lives a couple hours away, but I spent the weekend with her a few weeks ago, and she's coming here next weekend. It may turn into something romantic, but I don't know. Unless she moves closer eventually, I'm not sure I want it to. She's great, but the distance is a problem for me, especially with my living situation, no car, limited funds, etc. So yea, I now have someone to hold on occasion. We talk online constantly, and she's always saying how much she liked it, and is looking forward to doing it again, and wanting to try different things with me. It feels nice to be wanted in some capacity. Through the posts I made, I also made a couple other friends, so that's pretty cool.

Monday, June 19, 2017

It's not all sunshine and unicorn vomit

             Tonight was probably the most down I've felt since my last post. Which is definitely better than it had been prior with new reasons to hate life popping up every hour, seemingly. Family recently moved back to town, and for a while, I was babysitting their kids daily, which kept my mind occupied on keeping them civil with each other, and playing video games with them. I haven't seen them in a few days now, and I'm reminded of how much I missed having them around before. They fill my life with joy, for a lack of a better word. The other day, I had this perfect moment with one nephew watching some video on my tablet, my niece in the chair next to mine, and my other nephew on my lap while we watched anime. I had to take a moment and realize... this is contentment. My three favorite people on earth are with me. I love them, and they love me. Honestly, they're the only ones I've ever truly felt love from, including my parents. Anyway, the past few days have felt empty. I know it's not healthy, but I think I need them in my life. I'm not complete without them. Today, especially the past few hours, I've felt extremely down. I'm pretty open with the friend I mentioned before (we've still been talking every day, multiple emails a day, sometimes dozens in one day, and hanging out every once in a while), and I told her about how down I am, and the thoughts of loneliness, and that I I feel like I'll never know romantic love, and I want "someone to hold, and kiss, and all that mushy stuff", and she reminded me that she isn't that person. I knew that already, of course. I'm alone, and likely always will be. And I need to learn to be ok with that.

On a side note, person who emailed me after my last post... I asked you not to. All you did was make me feel things I hadn't since we last spoke. I know you care, and thank you for that, but I still can't handle it. I felt like crap for hours, and barely slept that night. I wish it were different, but it's not.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Just checking in

                          I don't really have much to report, but a couple good things have happened. First, I decided to tell my therapist about the whole pedo thing. Once I made the decision, my head has cleared up, and I've been sleeping better. I'm now regularly getting at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I hadn't had for I don't know how long before. The second thing, when I told her, she was actually really supportive. She pointed out that by telling her, and my dad and sister a while back, I was basically subconsciously holding myself accountable in case i ever acted on it. That I have people around me that know to keep me on the right track. After she told me that, she told me I was a good person, and listed a few reasons why, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I believed it. I may try to go over the justifications for why I'm stuck on whether acting on it is ok or not, but if I do, I need to make her understand that while I am stuck on these issues, it doesn't mean in any way I think it should happen, or that I plan to. I dunno, maybe I'll just give her the URL to this blog. Might save time, and I have an awful memory. I'm sure I'll forget some. 

Friday, January 20, 2017

More contemplation

                Just read somewhere that if you hook up a helium tank to a plastic bag, and stick your head in it, you can die painlessly. I wonder if that's true.
                I wish I had the luxury of thinking nobody would care. But I know they would. That's the only reason I'm not going to try that out. I'm never going to be happy. Never really have been, unless I was lying to myself. Maybe I should do that more often. Fuck life, fuck religion, fuck everything. I hope I die in an accident next time I get in a car.