Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Updates and corrections

                 I'm currently reading through my old posts, and I've noticed my opinions of a few issues have changed or I did not express them properly, and because if this is ever read by someone, I'd like to be better understood.
                 Dec 22, 2012: Politicians. I still don't like them for the most part, but I do back Bernie Sanders, mostly because he wants to adopt socialized medical care. If he could accomplish that, myself and millions of other people in need of it, can have it. Marijuana: My opinion on it has not changed, but I should have noted the need for possible age restrictions. I've read it is potentially harmful to the development of brains in immature bodies.
                December 23, 2012: Romantic relationship. I very much want one, but given my attractions and neuroses, I don't think it could have a happy ending.
                Jan 16, 2013: Guns. Guns could, and have, been legally purchased by well-intentioned law abiding people and later committed the crime. I understand that. My point remains, you should have the right to protect yourself and your family any way you see fit.
                 Feb 4, 2013: Pedophiles. I am one, but am emotionally conflicted about it. I very much want a consensual relationship with a girl in the age group I'm attracted to, but I never will, unless one confronts me about it. I still don't know how I'd react if it actually happened. I don't think I'll ever find out.
                 Ok, that's it. Everything else looks current.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Theories on how it all may have started

                      There are three possible reasons that I can think of as to why I am attracted to children. I don't know which, if any, are correct, but they are the only things that I can think of that may be possible. The first, I was born this way. Screwed from the beginning. Damned to a life of self-questioning, and self-imposed celibacy from birth.
                       The second could be my mother. Forgive me if I've told the story before, but I don't remember telling it, and as most of these posts go, I get the urge to write them soon before my brain starts shutting down at night so i don't feel like reading through to find out... Anyway, my grandfather died when I was around 10 or 11, when I was learning various things about human interactions (sex stuff) from peers and movies and such (parents never gave me "the talk"). Shortly after that, my mother starts uncovering repressed memories (is that actually a thing? I've heard it's not, but I don't know) of her father molesting her and at least one of her sisters. As great a parent as she was, she confided in me about it, often going into graphic detail. It haunted me, and as my theory goes, potentially warped my psyche in that area.
                      The last, I think could be somewhat related to the second. When I was about 13 or 14, my family got our first computer. I knew very little about computers then, but as I've read in an old Dilbert comic strip, the hormones and curiosity of a teenager outweigh technological barriers. I was soon obsessed with porn. A year or so passes, and I get bored of seeing people significantly older than myself, and decide to seek out pictures of girls my own age. I found plenty of them. Back then, there were largely unmoderated Yahoo groups that were blatantly advertising illegal content. I joined dozens, if not hundreds of them and thoroughly enjoyed the content. Problem was, as I grew older, my attraction ages stayed the same, and got more extreme. I do feel attraction to people my own age, but to a significantly lesser degree. As I've said before, the ages I'm most attracted to are between 9 and 12, older or younger, depending on the girl.
                      If I could get it right in my brain, either accepting myself for who I am and who I am attracted to, or purging the attraction altogether (not likely. Similar to those who try to "Pray the gay away", it's life long, even if they tell themselves otherwise), I could likely be a somewhat happier person. It wouldn't solve everything, of course, but it would help.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Super quick note

               In my last post I said "I sincerely hope any adult who has the attractions I do has thought long and hard before they acted." I wasn't able to think of the proper phrasing for what I wanted to put right after, and it came to me just now. "...and show that they have some semblance of a conscience and a desire to do the right thing, and to not hurt anyone, rather than act on impulse alone. That could get ugly fast." May not be exactly what i had in my head a moment ago, but I'm half asleep, so I couldn't remember it for more than a few seconds. 

Friday, April 15, 2016

Some clarification

              In a previous post, I came out as a pedophile. I then said there was a conceivable way I would act on it, and said i would explain later on, and forgot to do so. So here...
              If the girl I'm attracted to makes the first move on me, I don't know if I'd be able to refuse. But that will likely never happen. I will never make the first move.
              Also, in the post, I never gave any details about who I am attracted to, and I feel compelled to do so. I am attracted to girls 7+ with the peak attractiveness around 9-12, depending on the girl. The age can be lower or higher, again, depending on the girl. Higher ages, I still am very attracted to. Even adults, but to a somewhat lower extent (taboo aspect?). There are exceptions, of course.
               On an intellectual level, I stand by everything I said in that post justifying my attractions. Though the one-sided mess with the friend I've mentioned has made me realize the emotional aspect is stronger than I had expected. I can't get it straight in my mind, would I feel this way if society in general hasn't condemned it so strongly? There were teachers I had who i would have loved to have relations with. If it had happened, I would not have seen it as them abusing or taking advantage of me, I would have thought it was awesome.There are underage people like that now, i know it, but they can't act on it without people with the attractions I do. I sincerely hope any adult who has the attractions I do has thought long and hard before they acted.
                 I know many would disagree, but I think what I'm feeling may be similar to that of a gay person might have 50+ years ago, and in parts of the world today. They are told by their communities their attractions are wrong and evil, and must be purged, and/or were killed/punished in some way for attractions they cannot control. I have encountered several websites, and of course my friend, who are accepting of it (I'm lucky to have her. With the way I've acted, I'm surprised she still talks to me.), but I don't think the world as a whole ever will. I can't even get my mind straight on the issue, how can i expect others to?
                Kids and teens, in general, are smarter and stronger than most adults give credit for. Some, though, think they are smarter and stronger than their peers, while some are, some others are not. If any coercion, lies, or other manipulation of either party is happening, it needs to end. 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

I need help, but i cannot afford it

                 I think my suicidal thoughts are starting to affect my actions and are turning homicidal a little. The other day I was driving my mother to a doctor's appointment, and I did something a little out of character for me. I'm usually a very good, cautious driver who never goes more than 10mph over the speed limit, conditions permitting. I was driving at 95mph in a 65mph zone, while thinking something to the effect of "I hope a tire blows and I lose control killing us both". I slowed down a couple times when I noticed how fast I was going, and reality set in, that I would more likely be pulled over and fined or if an accident did happen, it would more likely injure myself or my mother instead of killing either of us. If any injury comes to me, I want it to be fatal. A loss of a body part (testicles are the only exception) would make life significantly less worth living (for myself, anyway. I know people live long happy lives while missing limbs, but the only thing I have is my semi-independence).
                   I know I need help. I also know if I were to seek it, I'd likely be locked up, and/or it would cost my parents an arm and a leg. I don't want to add to their debt any more than I already have. We need to adopt socialized medical care. Millions of people need care they cannot afford. I'm sure it's a major factor in the mass shootings and any number of violent crimes in this country. Don't even get me started on when you couple mental illness with religion. Scary stuff.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

It just wont end. Trade brains, anybody? Anyone? No?

                   Just a quick one here... last time I plan to bring up the thing with my online friend... I hope it actually is.
                    The timing of the beginning of their relationship just occurred to me. Around the time their relationship started, a traumatic event had just occurred. Were her feelings of loss a factor? Did he manipulate her into it? Take advantage of the situation? Was he just there for her in her time of need? She'd never admit to herself, let alone anyone else if that were the case, I'm sure. Might not even recognize it. I probably wouldn't either, if I were in that situation.
                    I'm really sorry, I just can't help but be bothered by all this. I just need to get it all out somewhere. I wish I could trust myself to talk with her calmly about it, but I when I try, my instincts just tell me to do something I promised I wouldn't.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

A totally unrelated story to anything I've posted for a while, just to try to get my mind off of it

                      This here is the story of how I became so distrusting of people, and unwilling to make friends. No one reads this crap, anyway, so I'll be as self-indulgent as I want to be.
                       In High school I had two best friends. Let's call them... fuck it, real first names... Kevan and Ricardo. I will give the girl I was in love with a fake name, because she did no wrong. Maggie. I was infatuated with her. She was smart, funny, incredibly cute, but not in a traditional way, but in a way I could not think about anything but her for days at a time... anyway, my friends and I talked about everything. Complaining about our parents, TV shows we liked, movies, food, incredibly stupid stuff I don't remember, and of course girls we liked. One day, we were talking about various body parts of the girls in our school, and I told them something I wish I had never said. It was the following story (not word for word, of course, this was 13-ish years ago, but true):
                               One day while we were in the library, Maggie leaned over the table facing me to point out something to a friend in a book or something, and I saw down her shirt (normally, she wore well fitting shirts with no cleavage, but that day she was wearing a sweatshirt that was too big for her for unknown reasons). Later that night, and often after that, I thought about her cleavage when I masturbated (all of us were talking about that, they both told me they did the same while thinking about various girls, I wasn't the only pervert).
                   Some time passes, and Ricardo starts to date Maggie (I was hurt, but he's known her longer than I have, so I'm not really angry) and he then proceeds to tell her what I told them in confidence. I think I apologized to her. If I didn't at the time, I should have. I think I did through her best friend, come to think of it. Anyway, she hates me now. I hate me for trusting them. Some more time passes, and I start having graphic and specific visions in my head of myself murdering him. In my mind, I would grab him by the back of his greasy head and repeatedly smash his face into the pavement in the student parking lot near the bridge over the creek. I sought help, and the doctor put me into a mental hospital for a week. Would probably have been longer If I didn't lie and tell them the visions stopped.
                  Ricardo then proceeds to get her pregnant and leaves her. They both had long switched schools, so I don't know if he graduated or not, and I don't care. I hope he's dead. Anyway, time passes, and I continue to stay friends with Kevan for about 2-3 years after high school. He gets a girlfriend, and a few months later, he stops taking my calls, and doesn't respond to my emails. Three years pass until I get an email from him. He stopped talking to me because I was depressing him. I mean, I kind of understand, he dealt with depression himself, and he was getting better, and I was dragging him down. Still, you do not abandon a friend with no word for three fucking years with no explanation.
                In conclusion, Fuck you, Kevan and Ricardo, may you both eat shit and die in a fire. And Maggie, I'm sorry. You deserved better.  If I had talked to you openly and honestly about how I felt early on, I truly think you were my key to happiness.