Sunday, March 1, 2015

Let me tell you about my parents...

Before I go off on a rant, I want to say, they never beat me, and I never went hungry. I know I was luckier than some, but other than that, my parents sucked.

Earliest memory: Every morning, I had to get myself to school. From kindergarten to first grade. Well, let me amend that... my friend's mom drove me most mornings. There were some days she couldn't, but most mornings Kim (his mom) was there for me. Looking back, she wasn't mother of the year either, one kid in diapers at 7 years old, another my age who smoked behind the parking lot wall, both from different fathers. But she was there. That counted for me.

The next year, we moved. I had to get myself to school... really, this time. I had to make my own lunches, get myself out of bed, get myself dressed, and walk to school (1/4 mile is a long way for a little kid). One morning (it may have been my first day, thinking about it) I forgot to put shoes on. I was a dumb kid. I didn't realize it until I got to the tanbark. Would not have happened if I had a mother who gave a shit.

I got a little better at taking care of myself after that.

The rest of my school years, never once did they ask to see my report card. Not once. I always gave it to them, though. Only reaction I would ever get was either "Oh, good work" (almost never happened) or "oh, you need to work on that". And nothing else. Never any offers to help with homework, and when I did ask for help, it was usually math. Only answer I remember getting was "oh, that's the new math. Sorry, I don't know anything about that.".

When it came to friends, I always had to clear everything with my mother a week beforehand. She could not handle anything last minute. Also, unless I was bringing them to our house, she would almost always say no. Even in high school. One instance that sticks out for me, was I was invited to a restaurant that was about a mile from my house to play on their foosball table. A couple friends of mine and their friends were going to have a tournament. It sounded like a great time, I really wanted to go. Problem was, it was happening that day. I knew it was a long shot, but I called home to ask, but no. No good times for me.

I had a few good friends growing up. I had some great friends. But once I got comfortable enough with them, and my mom with their parents enough to have sleepovers and such... we'd move. Constantly moving. I hated that. I went to 8 different schools and lived in 7 different homes (that I can remember off the top of my head).

I didn't know at the time, but my mother had bipolar depression the whole time. That's why she was there but not really there, and so intolerant to last minute schedule changes. I hate her, but knowing it now, I feel unjustified for it. I feel like I'm a horrible person for it.

If you have bipolar depression, either get it under control or don't have kids.

As for my dad, he worked a lot, and until recent years, I never felt all that close to him. Sure, he was there, he took me and the family camping a couple times each summer (my favorite memories). But he also would undermine my self confidence at every turn.

My dad loves and always has loved to make and fix things. All kinds of things. He's taught me a lot about that stuff. But when I was a kid (still does sometimes), when I would try to make or fix something, he'd watch me like a hawk. Which would be fine, but whenever I made the slightest error, he'd literally grab it away from me, and do it himself. The first few times I was in tears. But I got used to it for the most part. I didn't confront him about it until I was a teenager. He got a little better about it, but not completely. To this day, if I'm doing anything in font of him I screw up somehow.

Going back to the 5th grade: During recess, I loved the swings. Unfortunately, so did a lot of other kids. One day, all the swings were full up, so I decide to wander the playground, and play on whatever's available.  I get to those acrobatic bars (you know, the ones that have 3 heights? I can never remember what those are called) and decide to hang and swing my legs back and forth. Earlier that morning it was foggy, and it was a little damp. I slipped off and landed hard and awkwardly on my right wrist. It hurt real bad.

I make my way to the nurse's office (It felt like i was walking for an hour), and they send me home (mother couldn't be bothered to pick me up, so I walked). My dad (retired EMT, current orderly in a county hospital) came home and took a look at my wrist. He said it was just sprained, and put an ace wrap on it. A week goes by, and it still hurts. They finally take me to the hospital, and it's broken. I was at home in pain with a broken wrist for a week. It wasn't that they couldn't afford it, it's because my dad thought he was smarter than he was and falsely diagnosed me. A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

I love my parents, but when I think about this stuff, I question my decision to take care of them in their later years.  My mother is now in a wheelchair most of the time, and can't do most things for herself. My dad has COPD, survived cancer, and has a weakened part of his heart (I  can't think of the name of it at the moment) that could burst, killing him within minutes, so he can't do as much as he used to, and if I left them alone, he would kill himself caring for my mother.

Now here I am. Depressed, lonely, mildly suicidal... complaining on the internet. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my story.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I hate money

"We should do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest. The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of earning a living. We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery because, according to Malthusian Darwinian theory he must justify his right to exist. So we have inspectors of inspectors and people making instruments for inspectors to inspect inspectors. The true business of people should be to go back to school and think about whatever it was they were thinking about before somebody came along and told them they had to earn a living."
~ R. Buckminster Fuller

I'll be the first to admit, I knew nothing  about Mr. Fuller until I read this and skimmed his bio on Wikipedia. But from this quote I can tell we're on the same page on at least this issue (though I should point out his possible misuse of the term "Darwinian". Darwin's theories, to my knowledge, do not reach into social structures, they only pertain to biology. He's probably referencing "Survival of the Fittest", but again, to my knowledge, that only means a species as a whole)
Money is nice to have, but if you don't, you are powerless and largely voiceless in our society.
If you don't have money, you don't have a roof over your head or a meal in your stomach. Why should that be so in today's society?
As Mr. Fuller says, not everyone NEEDS to work. Why should the woman stuck behind a desk 5 days a week be forced to do so? Why does she need to waste her precious time and effort to provide for her and her family? Money.
If money did not exist she and everyone else would be able to live their own lives free of restrictions. We could travel the world, pursue higher education, pursue our own life the way we and we alone choose.
Why can this never happen? Those who have it will never give up their power or influence to control what they can.

Friday, January 16, 2015

There's no point. Why bother?

        I gave up on something I mentioned in an earlier post. I have been eating chocolate... Hershey, Mars... whatever tastes good. My not eating it does not change the fact that it will continue to be made the same way they have been doing it for years. There's no point to my own personal boycott. I don't care anymore. Most things we encounter day to day is in some way, on some level, created involving human or animal suffering. It's unavoidable in today's world. The computer I'm using was assembled in China (probably), a place famous for it's horrible working conditions. The vegetables you ate with dinner were likely grown and/or picked by underpaid, possibly abused workers.
       We as a society thrive on others' suffering. Not always human, either. I've been purposely and willfully ignorant to the way the animals I eat are killed. I don't know the details (on purpose), but have heard that one of my favorite restaurants has a bad track record for how they raise and kill their chickens. KFC. I don't want to know how they live and die... on purpose.
        I am guilty of ignoring others' suffering. We all are. We suck as a society. I suck as a person. We all just suck. There needs to be some serious changes before we can call ourselves a good people.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Thoughts of some guy on the internet on the verge of sleep

The other night, while I was trying to sleep, I came up with a (rough and pretty vague) way to greatly reduce corruption (but not a way to implement or enforce it) in our elected officials. Now, bear with me, and let me know if these are stupid, and not just a vague "Yu dum" or "fu fagget" or any mostly incoherent arguments ... I'd like some actual thought gone into your replies, if you have any. I love a good exchange of ideas.

   We should make being an elected official as financially unattractive as possible. To even run, you must sell/forfeit ALL interest in any companies you may have, quit any job you have, cut all professional ties with everyone. The only money you can make is from the job as the elected official. If you make so much as a penny from any other source, you will immediately lose your elected position and possibly serve jail time if the offense is great enough. In addition, after your term(s) are over, you cannot be employed directly or indirectly by any company or institution you have dealt with during your time in office.
  Do away with the 2-party system. If none of your ideas are original, or you're some puppet for a group of people, we don't need you. Democrats, republicans, screw you both. We don't need you making laws to shove your religion down our throats, and we don't need you to take away our rights to defend ourselves any way we see fit. We need people who can come up with creative solutions to complex problems.
    Also, to run, no company can donate any money or goods to the campaign. Scratch that... no traditional campaigns at all. To speak to the public, you must do it in the form of a debate. At least one opponent must be present to give their side of the issues. Cut out the tailor-made propaganda BS.
   Before voting, all candidates must fill out a questionnaire filled with questions on topics of interest, and some questions that voters submit (NO FLUFF), and answers must be brief and to the point. Answers given will be checked against previous statements made by the candidate and if there are any discrepancies, they will be cleared up. Any candidate found side-stepping the questions (or just plain lying) will be called on it, and may face forfeit of the race. Once complete, the questionnaire along with the candidate's answers will be printed, and sent out to all registered voters.
   Not all of it's bad, though. I say we do away with the limit of how many times someone is elected to the same office. If they are good enough to keep getting elected, let them stay if they can continue to do the job effectively.

May not be perfect, may not even be possible to implement. All I know is, what we have going right now isn't working. We need to make some changes, people.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Well, maybe I'm not a anarchist.

Maybe I shouldn't call myself an anarchist, because I do recognize the need for some sort of system of law. But... I am against a government that makes laws based on a religion we don't all hold. I am against a government that tells us who we can and cannot marry. I am against a government that tells us what substances we can an cannot put into our own bodies on our own time, and that does not hurt anyone else. I am against a government that rewards corrupt law enforcement. I am against a government that allows corruption in those we elect. I am against a government that thinks they need to impose our way of life on other countries. I am against a government that puts the highest priorities on anything but the well-being of it's own people. I am not against all government. I am against this government. I'm not saying we should overthrow it, but change it immensely.

Monday, February 4, 2013

There are more pedophiles than you think (NSFW LINK)

I was browsing some adult websites the other night, and came across this (NSFW LINK). It got me thinking; there are millions of videos like these. Adult women acting and dressing like young girls to turn on and satisfy fantasies of men everywhere. And who has fantasies of young girls? Pedophiles. Now, I'm thinking there are more pedophiles than there are "normal" people. Be my guest, check for yourself and see how many "teen" (18-19) porn websites you can find. These sites aim to fulfill minimum age requirements.

Then there are children's lingerie and bikini designs. Now, I hear some places are offering bikini waxes to 8 year old girls.

We may not be willing to admit it, but we are a society that creates pedophiles. Even some that have never hurt any child, only viewing content online,, are arrested and then branded for life. Why do we do this?

We sexualize everything. Then when someone has sexual interests other than what the mainstream is comfortable with, we tell them they are wrong. We punish them for it.

This world just confuses the hell out of me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Guns are awesome, and why everyone should have one.

There should be a gun in every house, and everyone in said house should know how to use them safely and effectively.
I'd prefer that guns have never been invented, but they were, and people misuse them all the time. All the more reason to have one yourself to protect yourself and your family. I have not been 100% following the news, but what I gather is that the butt-munchers in dc are trying to ban automatic weapons, and that a ton of people are behind them for some reason. The sheeple think that by banning said guns, they are taking them out of the hands of criminals. They could not be more wrong. All it's doing is making it more difficult for the honest Joe to get them... criminals will have no problem getting hold of them, just as usual.
I don't remember who it was that said this, but it's a quote that's stuck with me for quite some time now... "When you make it a crime to own a gun, only criminals will have them". The criminals will have a field day with these new laws. And by criminals, I also mean the guys in charge. It will stack the odds in their favor should an armed revolt take place... not saying it will happen, but It looks more likely all the time, and I know what side I'll be on.
I say, if the military can own something, the private citizen (with exceptions for convicted violent offenders, of course) should be able to legally own that same thing. Why do we keep putting people in charge of us just to take away our liberties?
This world confuses the hell out of me.