Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Updates and corrections

                 I'm currently reading through my old posts, and I've noticed my opinions of a few issues have changed or I did not express them properly, and because if this is ever read by someone, I'd like to be better understood.
                 Dec 22, 2012: Politicians. I still don't like them for the most part, but I do back Bernie Sanders, mostly because he wants to adopt socialized medical care. If he could accomplish that, myself and millions of other people in need of it, can have it. Marijuana: My opinion on it has not changed, but I should have noted the need for possible age restrictions. I've read it is potentially harmful to the development of brains in immature bodies.
                December 23, 2012: Romantic relationship. I very much want one, but given my attractions and neuroses, I don't think it could have a happy ending.
                Jan 16, 2013: Guns. Guns could, and have, been legally purchased by well-intentioned law abiding people and later committed the crime. I understand that. My point remains, you should have the right to protect yourself and your family any way you see fit.
                 Feb 4, 2013: Pedophiles. I am one, but am emotionally conflicted about it. I very much want a consensual relationship with a girl in the age group I'm attracted to, but I never will, unless one confronts me about it. I still don't know how I'd react if it actually happened. I don't think I'll ever find out.
                 Ok, that's it. Everything else looks current.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Theories on how it all may have started

                      There are three possible reasons that I can think of as to why I am attracted to children. I don't know which, if any, are correct, but they are the only things that I can think of that may be possible. The first, I was born this way. Screwed from the beginning. Damned to a life of self-questioning, and self-imposed celibacy from birth.
                       The second could be my mother. Forgive me if I've told the story before, but I don't remember telling it, and as most of these posts go, I get the urge to write them soon before my brain starts shutting down at night so i don't feel like reading through to find out... Anyway, my grandfather died when I was around 10 or 11, when I was learning various things about human interactions (sex stuff) from peers and movies and such (parents never gave me "the talk"). Shortly after that, my mother starts uncovering repressed memories (is that actually a thing? I've heard it's not, but I don't know) of her father molesting her and at least one of her sisters. As great a parent as she was, she confided in me about it, often going into graphic detail. It haunted me, and as my theory goes, potentially warped my psyche in that area.
                      The last, I think could be somewhat related to the second. When I was about 13 or 14, my family got our first computer. I knew very little about computers then, but as I've read in an old Dilbert comic strip, the hormones and curiosity of a teenager outweigh technological barriers. I was soon obsessed with porn. A year or so passes, and I get bored of seeing people significantly older than myself, and decide to seek out pictures of girls my own age. I found plenty of them. Back then, there were largely unmoderated Yahoo groups that were blatantly advertising illegal content. I joined dozens, if not hundreds of them and thoroughly enjoyed the content. Problem was, as I grew older, my attraction ages stayed the same, and got more extreme. I do feel attraction to people my own age, but to a significantly lesser degree. As I've said before, the ages I'm most attracted to are between 9 and 12, older or younger, depending on the girl.
                      If I could get it right in my brain, either accepting myself for who I am and who I am attracted to, or purging the attraction altogether (not likely. Similar to those who try to "Pray the gay away", it's life long, even if they tell themselves otherwise), I could likely be a somewhat happier person. It wouldn't solve everything, of course, but it would help.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Some clarification

              In a previous post, I came out as a pedophile. I then said there was a conceivable way I would act on it, and said i would explain later on, and forgot to do so. So here...
              If a girl I'm attracted to makes the first move on me, I don't know if I'd be able to refuse. But that will likely never happen. I will never make the first move.
              Also, in the post, I never gave any details about who I am attracted to, and I feel compelled to do so. I am attracted to girls 7+ with the peak attractiveness around 9-12, depending on the girl. The age can be lower or higher, again, depending on the girl. Higher ages, I still am very attracted to. Even adults, but to a somewhat lower extent (taboo aspect?). There are exceptions, of course.
               On an intellectual level, I stand by everything I said in that post justifying my attractions. Though a recent event has made it clearer that the emotional aspect is stronger than I had expected. I can't get it straight in my mind, would I feel this way if society in general hasn't condemned it so strongly? There were teachers I had who i would have loved to have relations with. If it had happened, I would not have seen it as them abusing or taking advantage of me, I would have thought it was awesome.There are underage people like that now, i know it, but they can't act on it without people with the attractions I do. I sincerely hope any adult who has the attractions I do has thought long and hard before they acted, and show some semblance of a conscience, and the desire to do the right thing, and not act on impulse alone. That could get ugly fast.
                 I know many would disagree, but I think what I'm feeling may be similar to that of a gay person might have 50+ years ago, and in parts of the world today. They are told by their communities their attractions are wrong and evil, and must be purged, and/or were killed/punished in some way for attractions they cannot control. I have encountered several websites and seen a few youtubers who are accepting of it.  I don't think the world as a whole ever will. I can't even get my mind straight on the issue, how can i expect others to?
                Kids and teens, in general, are smarter and stronger than most adults give credit for. Some, though, think they are smarter and stronger than their peers, while some are, some others are not. If any coercion, lies, or other manipulation of either party is happening, it needs to end. 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

I need help, but i cannot afford it

                 I think my suicidal thoughts are starting to affect my actions and are turning homicidal a little. The other day I was driving my mother to a doctor's appointment, and I did something a little out of character for me. I'm usually a very good, cautious driver who never goes more than 10mph over the speed limit, conditions permitting. I was driving at 95mph in a 65mph zone, while thinking something to the effect of "I hope a tire blows and I lose control killing us both". I slowed down a couple times when I noticed how fast I was going, and reality set in, that I would more likely be pulled over and fined or if an accident did happen, it would more likely injure myself or my mother instead of killing either of us. If any injury comes to me, I want it to be fatal. A loss of a body part (testicles are the only exception) would make life significantly less worth living (for myself, anyway. I know people live long happy lives while missing limbs, but the only thing I have is my semi-independence).
                   I know I need help. I also know if I were to seek it, I'd likely be locked up, and/or it would cost my parents an arm and a leg. I don't want to add to their debt any more than I already have. We need to adopt socialized medical care. Millions of people need care they cannot afford. I'm sure it's a major factor in the mass shootings and any number of violent crimes in this country. Don't even get me started on when you couple mental illness with religion. Scary stuff.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

A totally unrelated story just to try to get my mind off of things

                      This here is the story of how I became so distrusting of people, and unwilling to make friends. No one reads this crap, anyway, so I'll be as self-indulgent as I want to be.
                       In High school I had two best friends. Let's call them... fuck it, real first names... Kevan and Ricardo. I will give the girl I was in love with a fake name, because she did no wrong. Maggie. I was infatuated with her. She was smart, funny, incredibly cute, but not in a traditional way, but in a way I could not think about anything but her for days at a time... anyway, my friends and I talked about everything. Complaining about our parents, TV shows we liked, movies, food, incredibly stupid stuff I don't remember, and of course girls we liked. One day, we were talking about various body parts of the girls in our school, and I told them something I wish I had never said. It was the following story (not word for word, of course, this was 13-ish years ago, but true):
                               One day while we were in the library, Maggie leaned over the table facing me to point out something to a friend in a book or something, and I saw down her shirt (normally, she wore well fitting shirts with no cleavage, but that day she was wearing a sweatshirt that was too big for her for unknown reasons). Later that night, and often after that, I thought about her cleavage when I masturbated (all of us were talking about that, they both told me they did the same while thinking about various girls, I wasn't the only pervert).
                   Some time passes, and Ricardo starts to date Maggie (I was hurt, but he's known her longer than I have, so I'm not really angry) and he then proceeds to tell her what I told them in confidence. I think I apologized to her. If I didn't at the time, I should have. I think I did through her best friend, come to think of it. Anyway, she hates me now. I hate me for trusting them. Some more time passes, and I start having graphic and specific visions in my head of myself murdering him. In my mind, I would grab him by the back of his greasy head and repeatedly smash his face into the pavement in the student parking lot near the bridge over the creek. I sought help, and the doctor put me into a mental hospital for a week. Would probably have been longer If I didn't lie and tell them the visions stopped.
                  Ricardo then proceeds to get her pregnant and leaves her. They both had long switched schools, so I don't know if he graduated or not, and I don't care. I hope he's dead. Anyway, time passes, and I continue to stay friends with Kevan for about 2-3 years after high school. He gets a girlfriend, and a few months later, he stops taking my calls, and doesn't respond to my emails. Three years pass until I get an email from him. He stopped talking to me because I was depressing him. I mean, I kind of understand, he dealt with depression himself, and he was getting better, and I was dragging him down. Still, you do not abandon a friend with no word for three fucking years with no explanation.
                In conclusion, Fuck you, Kevan and Ricardo, may you both eat shit and die in a fire. And Maggie, I'm sorry. You deserved better.  If I had talked to you openly and honestly about how I felt early on, I truly think you were my key to happiness.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

We are the sum of our experiences and of our DNA

                    Many people say you are born with a specific sexual preference. Others say you choose it. Both are wrong, I think... one more than the other, but still wrong. I think it's short-sighted to say it is either all the time. For many it probably is how they were born, but for others I think it's something they have picked up at some point in their life. For example, I read a lot of manga, usually involving lesbian relationships. Often they are girls going to an all-girl school, and they pair off among themselves. They are separated from who they are "supposed" to be attracted to in their formative years, forcing their emotional and sexual development to deviate from what may have been what they were going to be if they were in a gender integrated school. Falling in love with the idea of being in love, and allowing their hormones to make the call, potentially setting the course for the rest of their romantic life.
                     Much like sexual fetishes... I doubt there are babies born having sexual feelings toward cartoon ponies, or other people's body wastes. They at some point see or experience something and associate it with sexual pleasure in some way. I don't know for certain, of course, it's just something that came to mind. I did not choose to be sexually attracted to young girls, I can tell you that for certain. It's stupid to think anyone would choose to have an attraction to a person or thing that would make you an outcast or criminal (if acted upon). If I could choose, I'd only be attracted to women over the legal age. "Normal". But no, I can't help it.

To those of you who think sexual preferences are chosen: Go fuck yourself gently with a chainsaw.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Rules for suicide

        I used to have a set of rules that I'd have to follow if/whenever I decided to kill myself. I've since realized how dangerous one of them was. I don't remember all of the rules I had written out, but they included my death to be beneficial to someone; my organs going to another person, death to occur outside of anywhere my family would ever want to visit; I don't want to ruin any place for them, that it doesn't involve anyone in my family's personal items (my dad's tools, my mother's medications, etc); I don't want them to blame themselves, and the dangerous one, my death to have some kind of meaning; to spark a debate on a subject I'm passionate about. That is likely in the heads of the many mass shooters of late. Kill as many people as possible, to try to get people to think about what you see as important, but the outside world often sees as incoherent ramblings of a madman. I'm not sure what I had in mind, in either a goal or a plan of execution of this one, but the more I think about it, the more dangerous it seems. If I were to continue that path, I may at some point get it in my head that I should kill health insurance lobbyists for killing any healthcare reform before it ever sees light. Or maybe politicians for allowing themselves to be bought and paid for by multi-billion dollar companies. Both causes I have strong feelings about, but the murder of anyone, even if they deserve it, is not the way to bring about change. If anything, the group gets stronger by people rallying behind them for being attacked. So, when it comes time, I plan to go back to my home town, visit a few people, say my goodbyes, write some letters to be found later, travel to a town in which I used to live, but hated the people, but loved the scenery, find a secluded spot (maybe rent a boat), and just do it. I just remembered another one, I don't want any kids to be around when it happens. I'll follow that one. The world is screwed up enough, I don't need to scar any kids on my way out.
                  Or who knows? Maybe I'll meet a great girl, get together, and find happiness... not likely. At this rate, the only foreseeable thing that could happen that could make me happy, would be for some attractive woman to physically drag me away. I'm a coward. I'm attracted, on some level, to nearly every girl/woman I meet, yet I cannot speak up. I talk myself out of it. I tell myself I don't want to drag another person into the black hole that is my self worth, and ruin their chance at being happy. Is that the real reason? Am I afraid to be happy? Ugh, this one really got derailed, didn't it? Bottom line, it's not likely I'll ever be happy, probably because deep down, I don't want to be. I don't see how it could even happen, really. The things on my mind that get me down, primarily, are outside of my control... religious fanatics killing innocent people, the people we elect pandering to idiots, lying, cheating, filling their pockets at the expense of us... the multi-billion dollar companies polluting and spreading lies to idiots and make them believe we aren't ruing the climate... the pharmaceutical companies (I don't think I need to elaborate on that one). It could be because I'm so powerless. We're all powerless. We're puppets, lab rats, sheep, and pawns. We don't matter to those in charge. We're slaves. We're consumers. Seriously got off topic, but I'm gonna leave all of it. Fuck it.