Saturday, October 15, 2016


        A little while ago i sat and stared at my wrist holding a box cutter in the other hand. I've never really come that close before. I even retracted the blade and dragged it down the length of my arm. I'm never going to be happy. Why not do it? Well, for one thing, I doubt I'd be successful at it. And if I was, I'd upset my niece and nephews, and my parents would probably end up moving. But that's if it didn't kill them. I'm not worth the hassle. So I guess I'll continue this meaningless life at least another day.

                                               Fuck life. Fuck everything.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

A couple new developments

                  One thing that's happened, is that I've begun seeing a therapist. I likely will never mention the whole pedo thing, but I have plenty of other stuff to get off my chest. Not sure how helpful it'll be, but I guess it's worth a shot.
                  Another thing, I've recently gotten into online DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) roleplays. I met a couple women online who pretend to be my daughters. One we do the normal father/daughter stuff, plus the sex stuff, with little to no other interaction. The other, we talk normally, and we transition into father/daughter lovers when we're both in the mood. The first one started off great, but it's been going for about a month, and is slowly becoming more of a chore than anything, especially with a few plot developments that have happened, but I won't go into that. But the second, I do really like, genuinely. I only met her about a week ago, but I really like her. Unfortunately, she lives in another part of the world, and the time difference is such that we can't talk much.
                  I met both girls on a website where you get paired up with random strangers, and through talking, I was lucky enough to find out they were into the same thing I am. One negative thing happened a few days ago, though. I had a text-only role play with someone there on the site... it was very graphic, very dirty, and I loved it. After we both had fun, we started talking, and we learned stuff about each other. Turns out, she was... young. I won't give exact details, but she went on to tell me she has had real life affairs similar to what we had just role played. It really messed with my head. Barely slept that night. A combination of turned on and disgusted, by both her experience, and with myself for wanting what I want. I'm not sure if I truly want what I want, or if it's just the idea of it that's so appealing.
                 Another minor thing is that I thought i had found a super easy job that paid pretty well. I was hired to post housing listings online for a really good weekly pay. But nope, turns out it was a scam, and I fell for it. People are assholes.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Temporary happiness

          You know what I hate? Well, assuming you've read my other posts, I'm sure you know several things... but another thing... a thing in my head. Every time I laugh or smile, I am instantly reminded that I am horribly HORRIBLY depressed and that I know for a FACT I will never be truly fulfilled in life. I will never have that RV, nor the trip around the continent. I will never have a relationship with a person I'm fully attracted to. That I know it's all meaningless. Futile. And that ending my suffering would expand the suffering of those that care about me. I do know people do care about me. If I thought they didn't, I would probably have killed myself years ago. But I know my nephews, my niece, my mother, father, sister, and even my brother to some extent cares. But that doesn't make me any happier. While I do care about them very much, they are also a barrier to the end of my pain. My parents being the keepers of the bird in the golden cage... I have no freedom, but I live fairly well. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, plenty of entertainment... But I want what I can't have. I suppose everyone does. GODDAMN IT I WANT OUT. Ugh, another tangent.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Jealousy is a bitch

            The past few weeks, maybe months have been difficult. Especially in my head. Every time I see someone either in public, on TV, or even if I just hear someone talk about their love lives, I've been feeling like I'm hearing about a crime, or something. Like someone is being hurt or wronged in some way. I know it's not true in most, if not all cases I've seen, but the feeling remains. I feel almost disgusted by other peoples' happiness. But I know this is jealousy. Jealousy is an ugly thing. I think I'm a decent person, why can't I have any happiness? Truth is, deep down, I know I can, if I could somehow get over my neuroses, insecurities, anxieties, and fear. It just feels like an impossible task. I just need to keep reminding myself that "feeling" and "thinking" something is completely different, and can be completely at odds. On exact opposite ends of the spectrum. I can feel something is wrong, but logically think it's not. I know loving someone, especially when the love is returned, is inherently a good, beautiful thing. But when that love is felt, and not returned, while beautiful, it can also be very ugly. I know I'm not making any sense. Just chalk this up to the ramblings of a madman on a slight uptick of a downward spiral.

Thursday, June 23, 2016


            All my life my laziness has been accepted and even encouraged by my parents. My father, always doing everything, never accepting help from me, and when i tried to take care of something myself, he took over. Never expecting anything from me. I grew complacent. I've always been complacent. Never any ambition or direction. I recently told him some of this, and that I wished he had kicked me out years ago. He said he would never have done that because his father never did to him. Here's the difference: His father expected things of him. He made him work. He knew the satisfaction of getting things done himself. But I can't tell him that part, because he was crying, and yelling, and getting all worked up, and thinking of his heart condition, I was afraid to go on.
            My mother, always needing someone around. Never being able to be alone. All but refusing to allow me to make friends. Physiologically incapable of hearing someone's pain without one-upping them detailing how she has it worse. Constant need for attention. Several blackouts a month (when i was a kid) where she would become violent and verbally abusive, disappearing for hours sometimes.
           So here I am. almost 31, and nothing to show for it except crippling anxiety and no idea what I want to do other than get out. No plan after that. So, I am currently stuck. Especially after her leg got cut off, they will be relying on me more and more. I needed her to just die. But nope, gotta keep making my life and every one else's (including her own) a living hell. People keep telling me to "get over it" and to "stop blaming other people". I know I need to deal with it, but it all just seems so hopeless. Futile. I have started the process to get some help, but i can't be truly honest with anyone about everything.
           If I had the means, I would love to just buy an RV, and drive around the continent aimlessly for years, looking for that place that I belong, and ideally, the person I belong with. Most likely the west coast. But nope, for that, I need a job. That job will suck the life out of me even more. It would take months or years to be able to save up for the down payment, then longer to pay it off, longer still to save up for gas, insurance, maintenance, food, and whatever else I would need. Then, I would still be restrained for time because I would have to get back to that job eventually because the money would dry up. I FUCKING HATE THIS. Even If I were to be able to accomplish all of that, I would still be haunted by the ugliness of the world and things inside of myself. That will never end.
       I just want it to be over.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Weakness and disgust

            I need to be clear. Many of the things on this blog are written in moments of weakness. Moments of confusion and/or anger.
            The world is a disgusting place. People killing others because of their religion, children raped repeatedly by their parents or other people they should be able to trust, financial companies stealing money from their customers, trolls on the internet purposely making people angry or upset in some way just for a laugh, teenagers feeling so hopelessly alone they start relationships with people more than twice their age and have sex with them because they will be abandoned again if they don't, hit and run accidents, people only having kids so they can reap the financial benefits, overall lies and deception... the list goes on. I HATE the world. At least the majority of people in it. I hate myself even more for needing to be in it, and having to suppress urges to commit some acts I know I shouldn't. I just want out. I never asked to be here. If I believed in god or prayer, I would pray for death constantly. Instead, I hope for part of my ceiling to collapse, impaling my head killing me instantly, or my years of limited physical activity to cause a fatal heart attack, or if I'm in a car or outside at all, a truck slam into me reducing me to a gory mass. I just need out. I don't think I can hold on much longer. Every day I'm reminded how ugly people can be to each other. Other people make life not worth living. The other day I slammed my head repeatedly with a piece of wood i have lying around. I hope it caused a blood clot to form in my brain, and kills me soon.

Saturday, June 11, 2016


                  The thought of killing myself is terrifying. But weighed against living another 50-ish years like this, I don't know.