Monday, June 19, 2017

It's not all sunshine and unicorn vomit

             Tonight was probably the most down I've felt since my last post. Which is definitely better than it had been prior with new reasons to hate life popping up every hour, seemingly. Family recently moved back to town, and for a while, I was babysitting their kids daily, which kept my mind occupied on keeping them civil with each other, and playing video games with them. I haven't seen them in a few days now, and I'm reminded of how much I missed having them around before. They fill my life with joy, for a lack of a better word. The other day, I had this perfect moment with one nephew watching some video on my tablet, my niece in the chair next to mine, and my other nephew on my lap while we watched anime. I had to take a moment and realize... this is contentment. My three favorite people on earth are with me. I love them, and they love me. Honestly, they're the only ones I've ever truly felt love from, including my parents. Anyway, the past few days have felt empty. I know it's not healthy, but I think I need them in my life. I'm not complete without them. Today, especially the past few hours, I've felt extremely down. I'm pretty open with the friend I mentioned before (we've still been talking every day, multiple emails a day, sometimes dozens in one day, and hanging out every once in a while), and I told her about how down I am, and the thoughts of loneliness, and that I I feel like I'll never know romantic love, and I want "someone to hold, and kiss, and all that mushy stuff", and she reminded me that she isn't that person. I knew that already, of course. I'm alone, and likely always will be. And I need to learn to be ok with that.

On a side note, person who emailed me after my last post... I asked you not to. All you did was make me feel things I hadn't since we last spoke. I know you care, and thank you for that, but I still can't handle it. I felt like crap for hours, and barely slept that night. I wish it were different, but it's not.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Just checking in

                          I don't really have much to report, but a couple good things have happened. First, I decided to tell my therapist about the whole pedo thing. Once I made the decision, my head has cleared up, and I've been sleeping better. I'm now regularly getting at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I hadn't had for I don't know how long before. The second thing, when I told her, she was actually really supportive. She pointed out that by telling her, and my dad and sister a while back, I was basically subconsciously holding myself accountable in case i ever acted on it. That I have people around me that know to keep me on the right track. After she told me that, she told me I was a good person, and listed a few reasons why, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I believed it. I may try to go over the justifications for why I'm stuck on whether acting on it is ok or not, but if I do, I need to make her understand that while I am stuck on these issues, it doesn't mean in any way I think it should happen, or that I plan to. I dunno, maybe I'll just give her the URL to this blog. Might save time, and I have an awful memory. I'm sure I'll forget some. 

Friday, January 20, 2017

More contemplation

                Just read somewhere that if you hook up a helium tank to a plastic bag, and stick your head in it, you can die painlessly. I wonder if that's true.
                I wish I had the luxury of thinking nobody would care. But I know they would. That's the only reason I'm not going to try that out. I'm never going to be happy. Never really have been, unless I was lying to myself. Maybe I should do that more often. Fuck life, fuck religion, fuck everything. I hope I die in an accident next time I get in a car. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

False alarm

             Got my hopes up too high, like I knew I would. Everything was great, but turns out, she wants a christian. That was the only problem for her. Fuck religion. I hated it before, but now it's a bit stronger. It divides people. Prevents happiness where everything else is fine. Sure, neither of us were our perfect matches, but she was as damn near perfect as I'm likely to find. I still plan on being friends with her, and do most of the stuff we did before, but I don't know how long that'll last. I really thought it could've worked.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Looks like things are improving

         I met someone I really like. And she seems to like me. I hope it's in the same way, but I'm not sure. She's 23, smart, funny, beautiful, sexy... she's amazing. I've only met her twice, but we have a few plans to meet more in the future, including walking a beautiful nature trail. And she loves taking walks in the rain as much as I do. I can't get her out of my head. I know I usually just post negative stuff here, but I know I have at least 2 regular readers, and I thought they might like to hear something positive in my life. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I don't think I can stop it... oh, well. I'll let myself be happy and just try not to screw it up.

Saturday, October 15, 2016


        A little while ago i sat and stared at my wrist holding a box cutter in the other hand. I've never really come that close before. I even retracted the blade and dragged it down the length of my arm. I'm never going to be happy. Why not do it? Well, for one thing, I doubt I'd be successful at it. And if I was, I'd upset my niece and nephews, and my parents would probably end up moving. But that's if it didn't kill them. I'm not worth the hassle. So I guess I'll continue this meaningless life at least another day.

                                               Fuck life. Fuck everything.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

A couple new developments

                  One thing that's happened, is that I've begun seeing a therapist. I likely will never mention the whole pedo thing, but I have plenty of other stuff to get off my chest. Not sure how helpful it'll be, but I guess it's worth a shot.
                  Another thing, I've recently gotten into online DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) roleplays. I met a couple women online who pretend to be my daughters. One we do the normal father/daughter stuff, plus the sex stuff, with little to no other interaction. The other, we talk normally, and we transition into father/daughter lovers when we're both in the mood. The first one started off great, but it's been going for about a month, and is slowly becoming more of a chore than anything, especially with a few plot developments that have happened, but I won't go into that. But the second, I do really like, genuinely. I only met her about a week ago, but I really like her. Unfortunately, she lives in another part of the world, and the time difference is such that we can't talk much.
                  I met both girls on a website where you get paired up with random strangers, and through talking, I was lucky enough to find out they were into the same thing I am. One negative thing happened a few days ago, though. I had a text-only role play with someone there on the site... it was very graphic, very dirty, and I loved it. After we both had fun, we started talking, and we learned stuff about each other. Turns out, she was... young. I won't give exact details, but she went on to tell me she has had real life affairs similar to what we had just role played. It really messed with my head. Barely slept that night. A combination of turned on and disgusted, by both her experience, and with myself for wanting what I want. I'm not sure if I truly want what I want, or if it's just the idea of it that's so appealing.
                 Another minor thing is that I thought i had found a super easy job that paid pretty well. I was hired to post housing listings online for a really good weekly pay. But nope, turns out it was a scam, and I fell for it. People are assholes.