Monday, August 1, 2016

Temporary happiness

          You know what I hate? Well, assuming you've read my other posts, I'm sure you know several things... but another thing... a thing in my head. Every time I laugh or smile, I am instantly reminded that I am horribly HORRIBLY depressed and that I know for a FACT I will never be truly fulfilled in life. I will never have that RV, nor the trip around the continent. I will never have a relationship with a person I'm fully attracted to. That I know it's all meaningless. Futile. And that ending my suffering would expand the suffering of those that care about me. I do know people do care about me. If I thought they didn't, I would probably have killed myself years ago. But I know my nephews, my niece, my mother, father, sister, and even my brother to some extent cares. But that doesn't make me any happier. While I do care about them very much, they are also a barrier to the end of my pain. My parents being the keepers of the bird in the golden cage... I have no freedom, but I live fairly well. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, plenty of entertainment... But I want what I can't have. I suppose everyone does. GODDAMN IT I WANT OUT. Ugh, another tangent.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Jealousy is a bitch

            The past few weeks, maybe months have been difficult. Especially in my head. Every time I see someone either in public, on TV, or even if I just hear someone talk about their love lives, I've been feeling like I'm hearing about a crime, or something. Like someone is being hurt or wronged in some way. I know it's not true in most, if not all cases I've seen, but the feeling remains. I feel almost disgusted by other peoples' happiness. But I know this is jealousy. Jealousy is an ugly thing. I think I'm a decent person, why can't I have any happiness? Truth is, deep down, I know I can, if I could somehow get over my neuroses, insecurities, anxieties, and fear. It just feels like an impossible task. I just need to keep reminding myself that "feeling" and "thinking" something is completely different, and can be completely at odds. On exact opposite ends of the spectrum. I can feel something is wrong, but logically think it's not. I know loving someone, especially when the love is returned, is inherently a good, beautiful thing. But when that love is felt, and not returned, while beautiful, it can also be very ugly. I know I'm not making any sense. Just chalk this up to the ramblings of a madman on a slight uptick of a downward spiral.

Thursday, June 23, 2016


            All my life my laziness has been accepted and even encouraged by my parents. My father, always doing everything, never accepting help from me, and when i tried to take care of something myself, he took over. Never expecting anything from me. I grew complacent. I've always been complacent. Never any ambition or direction. I recently told him some of this, and that I wished he had kicked me out years ago. He said he would never have done that because his father never did to him. Here's the difference: His father expected things of him. He made him work. He knew the satisfaction of getting things done himself. But I can't tell him that part, because he was crying, and yelling, and getting all worked up, and thinking of his heart condition, I was afraid to go on.
            My mother, always needing someone around. Never being able to be alone. All but refusing to allow me to make friends. Physiologically incapable of hearing someone's pain without one-upping them detailing how she has it worse. Constant need for attention. Several blackouts a month (when i was a kid) where she would become violent and verbally abusive, disappearing for hours sometimes.
           So here I am. almost 31, and nothing to show for it except crippling anxiety and no idea what I want to do other than get out. No plan after that. So, I am currently stuck. Especially after her leg got cut off, they will be relying on me more and more. I needed her to just die. But nope, gotta keep making my life and every one else's (including her own) a living hell. People keep telling me to "get over it" and to "stop blaming other people". I know I need to deal with it, but it all just seems so hopeless. Futile. I have started the process to get some help, but i can't be truly honest with anyone about everything.
           If I had the means, I would love to just buy an RV, and drive around the continent aimlessly for years, looking for that place that I belong, and ideally, the person I belong with. Most likely the west coast. But nope, for that, I need a job. That job will suck the life out of me even more. It would take months or years to be able to save up for the down payment, then longer to pay it off, longer still to save up for gas, insurance, maintenance, food, and whatever else I would need. Then, I would still be restrained for time because I would have to get back to that job eventually because the money would dry up. I FUCKING HATE THIS. Even If I were to be able to accomplish all of that, I would still be haunted by the ugliness of the world and things inside of myself. That will never end.
       I just want it to be over.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Weakness and disgust

            I need to be clear. Many of the things on this blog are written in moments of weakness. Moments of confusion and/or anger.
            The world is a disgusting place. People killing others because of their religion, children raped repeatedly by their parents or other people they should be able to trust, financial companies stealing money from their customers, trolls on the internet purposely making people angry or upset in some way just for a laugh, teenagers feeling so hopelessly alone they start relationships with people more than twice their age and have sex with them because they will be abandoned again if they don't, hit and run accidents, people only having kids so they can reap the financial benefits, overall lies and deception... the list goes on. I HATE the world. At least the majority of people in it. I hate myself even more for needing to be in it, and having to suppress urges to commit some acts I know I shouldn't. I just want out. I never asked to be here. If I believed in god or prayer, I would pray for death constantly. Instead, I hope for part of my ceiling to collapse, impaling my head killing me instantly, or my years of limited physical activity to cause a fatal heart attack, or if I'm in a car or outside at all, a truck slam into me reducing me to a gory mass. I just need out. I don't think I can hold on much longer. Every day I'm reminded how ugly people can be to each other. Other people make life not worth living. The other day I slammed my head repeatedly with a piece of wood i have lying around. I hope it caused a blood clot to form in my brain, and kills me soon.

Saturday, June 11, 2016


                  The thought of killing myself is terrifying. But weighed against living another 50-ish years like this, I don't know.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Law ≠ Morality

             For centuries, slavery was a legal and common practice. For even longer, and until as recently as last year, same-sex marriage was illegal. Today, you cannot, on your own time, use some substances that would not effect others, nor your ability to function after the effects have worn off, while similar substances that do the same, and are more addictive, are legal. Until a few decades ago, in many places abortion was illegal. Even today, in many places, (not really a law, but a policy in many school districts) sex education courses are not allowed to teach anything but abstinence, and often include misinformation and outright lies about the effectiveness of contraceptives, scaring many (I must admit, it got into my head, and I'm sure that's one of many reasons I've never had sex) into avoiding sex altogether. The law does not always reflect, and I would say often goes against good morality.
            On the internet, many children and teenagers post illegal content of themselves. If they post said content of their own free will, and are not being coerced by either a peer or anyone else, said content, I don't feel is immoral, nor should it be illegal. I am 100% opposed to any content that anyone (child, teen or adult) who is manipulated in any way to post or create any of said content. But if someone wants to get attention, or to be recognized as a sexual being (which all living creatures are), I have trouble finding fault with that, on a moral level. Many people, myself included, in their personal lives feel ignored or overlooked, so we sometimes reach out over the internet to try and get the attention we crave, but cannot find in our personal lives for whatever reason.
             When the content is found on someone's computer, phone, tablet, or any spare hard drive, no matter the age of the owner, is treated harshly by law enforcement. Even if they have no connection to the creation or distribution of it. Let's say there are two teenagers around the age of 14 who are dating. They decide to send eachother pictures or videos of themselves doing things many would find distasteful for people their age. Once they are found out, they can, and have been arrested, and in some cases labeled as sex offenders for life. This is wrong. This is just people doing what is natural. Expressing their sexuality. Again, if there is any extortion, lies, or coercion of either party, it is wrong and should not happen.
           I'm sure my sexual orientation (it is a sexual orientation) has something to do with this mindset, and I'm more than willing to admit it. It is a part of me, and such it will have an impact on many things I do and think. Because you are (for sake of argument) an adult who are only attracted to other adults has a lot to do with things you do and think, makes you no better of a judge on whether adults should even be able to do such things. Every part of who you are has an effect on things you do and think. It's foolish to think otherwise.
       If content already exists, and you had no control over it's production nor given any encouragement to it's creator, it should not be a crime to possess it. Sure, even if the creator and everyone involved in it's creation consents at the time of production, they might change their mind later on. I think it's similar to an alcohol fueled party... everyone is drunk, and decisions made will likely be regretted the next day. Nothing can change that it happened, but you can learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them. Once you post something on the internet, it will likely live forever. We all have that one friend or family member that always brings up something embarrassing you did or said whenever you talk to them.

Monday, May 30, 2016

More whining

                 Every now and then (a couple times a week at least) I have the desire to violently smash everything I own. Mostly technology. I have an idea why it's directed at the technology, but the underlying feeling is that of loneliness, futility, and disgust with many aspects of my life. The being directed at technology, I think, is because it's what I use to distract from just about everything. To kill time. That's all I ever do. kill time. I almost never use or embrace it. When I'm not using the technology, I try to accomplish things as fast as possible... but when I'm using the technology, I laze around, and am not in any hurry, usually. If I had something else to do, someone (that I actually like) I could spend time with, someone to distract me from things while not having to use the technology, I might not have so much rage inside of me. Then again, the rage being directed at a person is worse, and there's always risk of that. I don't think I've ever succumbed to the rage directed at my computer (except once with a malfunctioning keyboard, which I broke in half over my knee, and I've broken the case of a universal remote control with my head), but i have with a person. I never hit her, but a couple times while arguing with my mother, I've put holes in walls, and punched a fridge a few times. My brother and father also have anger issues, but I've never taken it out on a person. My brother once broke his hand after punching a truck after an argument with a coworker. I don't know about my father.
                 I have zero self confidence, and am afraid of myself and of nearly every social situation.  I don't know how to fix myself. I've always had a complex about my physical appearance. I never brush my hair (when i have hair), I refuse to use deodorant, and sometimes I go a week without a shower. I tell myself and others I just don't care, but is that the reason? Is it possible I do care, and avoid the effort and push people away before I can get hurt by them? I feel on the verge of tears, but they don't come. That happens often, too.
                My mind is always filled with self doubt, painful memories, and things happening in the world and within myself that i have no control over. If the thoughts would just go away, maybe I could get on with my life. There's just no way. To live the life I would want, I would also have to break a law, and a strong point of morality that most people hold. One I'm continuously changing my mind about. Sometimes I feel it's a good law that helps everyone, and other times, i feel it's arbitrary and doesn't take into account the many gray areas. When a law is absolute, it ceases to be just, and i think it was Jefferson who said something along the lines of "If there is a law you strongly feel is unjust, it is your duty to break it". If I could just pick a side already, i could at least be at peace with it.